August 2017

Let’s Talk about Closure

Let’s talk about “closure,” that thing we search for but never fully find after someone dies. We really hope to find it and the need for it is deeply felt. We go to the funeral and put up the grave marker to find it. We clean out the room, give away some of the clothes, perhaps even take off the ring for a while. Reporters ask grieving people about whether or not they’ve found it, and if not, what needs to be done to allow it to be found.

How did we learn that closure was the goal and what that goal means? It seems such a questionable term. Closure suggests a certain finality, a once-and-done quality. Closing the door (never to open it again). Closing the book because the story is finished. Leaving the source of loss and pain in the past because that’s where it belongs and where it shall stay. When we get closure, we are free to live into the future unburdened and liberated, never again to feel haunted, sad or distressed. Closure locks all that away and throws away the key. Closure is great. Closure is the bomb. 

Closure is one big lie.

Life just doesn’t work that way, and grief, being an integral part of life, doesn’t work that way either. We don’t close the door forever, the story doesn’t end, and as much as we might desire it, the loss and all that came with it will not stay locked in the past. When death comes, we are marked by the loss, branded by pain, and impacted by a life to which we will ever be tethered. 

The term “closure” misleads more than helps, but it’s tempting to use because it suggests something that is real. In a sense, we do find bits and pieces of closure, “closure-light.” We are able to close the door for a while, or at least partway. We don’t close the book but we can turn the page and begin a new chapter. We can put memories away for a time, but the lock is broken and the memories will visit us again.

The metaphor of a book for our grieving is particularly compelling, but not because we can close it and end the story. We find ways to turn a page or begin a new chapter, and when we do, new things happen and the story changes. We know that in any story worth its salt—and our lives are certainly that—whatever happens earlier in the story continues to shape the story as it develops and evolves. Even if an event happens in the first pages of the book, it will still be around to influence the later chapters. The elements in the stories of our lives are interconnected and can’t be deleted, bound together from prologue to epilogue. And yet there is an openness that happens when we are able to turn pages and begin new chapters. The story is impacted but not trapped by what came before. Finding ways to turn pages and start new chapters is a real and good thing, but we know that it’s not really closure, at least as it’s been sold to us. 

Like so many other good ideas in life, the idea of closure has value but the marketing is deceptive. Closure as finality and end-of-story is a false promise, a fantasy which distorts and disappoints. Won’t happen because it can’t happen. But if we peel back the layers of the hype and overpromising, there is something worthwhile in the concept of closure.

There are things we do which bring greater acceptance, which allow us to put down at least a little of the burden we’ve been carrying and which open up future possibilities. Closure is not the right word for this, but it does suggest a true and important thing: There are things we can do that take us, or at least allow us, to go toward a more healing and healed place. Just don’t call it “closure,” a word that deserves to be lost, mourned and left behind. 

 

Greg Adams
Program Coordinator
Center for Good Mourning
goodmourning@archildrens.org

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Lessons from Lions: Using children's media to teach about grief and mourning is a creative resource for helping children understand ways to cope with a death in their lives. It is available only from the Center for Good Mourning for $3.00 per copy, plus shipping and handling. Please click the following link to receive your copy. Lessons from Lions

Lots of events in the fall for education, grief support and suicide prevention.

 

It happens every school year. A student, teacher, staff member, or family member of a student dies and the school community is impacted. When death comes to school, there are resources that can help and guide.

Mysterious Moments by Jane Williams, Library Partners Press, 2017. Mysterious Moments is a brief book of hope with true stories from real people about the pain and complexities of life and the unexpected, quiet revelations that can bring life-altering healing to those who grieve. 

 

For couples after the death of a child, how can they move forward together when handling the loss differently?

 
 

After a death, those who want to comfort struggle with what to (and not to) say. This may be even more of a challenge after the death of a child. A couple of bereaved parents have some suggestions.

 

My Marriage Didn't End When I Became a Widow by Lucy Kalanithi

We often think of someone with cancer as a “fighter” and we encourage people to “fight” their cancer. This commentary has a different view. 

 
 

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