February 2013

Looking for the helpers

It was too terrible to imagine. One disturbed man killed his mother, six other adults, twenty young elementary students and then himself in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012, a date that will be marked in the lifetimes of so many families from this time on. Each death was a tragedy in its own way. A son murdering his mother. Adults sacrificing their safety and their lives to protect children, friends and coworkers. Children…just children. And a human life, surely with potential for good, something other than this, ends with a final act of killing, robbing those left behind from desperately needed insights into why.

Words flew across offices, hallways, cell phones, TV screens and the internet in response. Words of shock, sadness, disbelief, anger, helplessness, despair and judgment. Of all the words that were spread, the words of a dead man, gentle host to a children's television show for millions, said something different and needed, and these words also spread quickly. "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."" Fred Rogers, "Mr. Rogers"—a formal title that feels more intimate and comforting than his real name—had once again provided a voice of calm and reassurance in the midst of pain and uncertainty. Is it any wonder that a person with the peaceful spirit of Mr. Rogers would have a mother who would say such a wise and helpful thing? Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

It is a profound truth that too often is lost among the daily onslaught of stories of violence, illness, cruelty and pain. No matter where the hurting is in the world, there are helpers and the number of the helpers generally outnumbers those who bring the pain. First responders, police officers, firefighters, EMS personnel. The Red Cross, the Red Crescent, doctors (with and without borders) and nurses. Truck drivers with loads of food, fresh water, clothing, blankets, toothbrushes, soap, and teddy bears. And the list could go on: friends, colleagues, volunteers, neighbors, communities of faith, service groups, schools and school children across the country and beyond. The good people of Newtown finally had to say "thanks but no thanks, we have enough" because there were so many people who wanted to help and express solidarity.

One way of looking at the world is that it is so full of loss and much of the loss is preventable—it doesn't have to be this way. If we were only more attentive, caring, faithful and wise, much of the suffering in the world would be diminished. This is clearly true, but it is not the only true thing, and it is not even the most remarkable true thing. More remarkable, and sometimes amazing, is that whenever and wherever there is suffering, where there is tragedy and disaster, including that caused by ourselves, there are helpers. Mr. Rogers' mother was and is right. There are always, always helpers.

One person among over 330 million in the nation commits a disturbed, horrifying act of mass homicide. Terrible story. True story. But not the end of the story, not even close. Six adults trade their lives for the lives of others. More safely hide and evacuate children from danger, shielding them as much as possible from the horrors of the day. Dozens of others respond and quickly come to the scene to save, protect and minimize the consequences of injuries and trauma. Hundreds, thousands, millions pray, offer support, send comfort both spiritual and material. Policymakers and leaders look deep inside, broaden their scope, consider, reconsider, deliberate, debate on what can be done to help this time and perhaps prevent a next time. It's necessary, and because it's full of pain, fear, compassion, and concern—all of the human stuff—it's also unavoidably messy. Life is messy. That's why we need the helpers.

We can continue to find ways to be helpers ourselves. We were made for this and we are needed. And, thankfully, there will always be helpers. Always, so keep looking.

Greg Adams
Director
Center for Good Mourning

If you haven't already, please take this brief survey (link below) and let us know what you think of The Mourning News .

http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB229KSTQCP2Q

Lessons from Lions: Using children's media to teach about grief and mourning is a creative resource for helping children understand ways to cope with a death in their lives. It is available only from the Center from Good Mourning for $3.00 per copy, plus shipping and handling.



February 2013 Looking for the helpers It was too terrible to imagine. One disturbed man killed his mother, six other adults, twenty young elementary students and then himself in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012, a date that will be marked in the lifetimes of so many families from this time on. Each death was a tragedy in its own way. A son murdering his mother. Adults sacrificing their safety and their lives to protect children, friends and coworkers. Children…just children. And a human life, surely with potential for good, something other than this, ends with a final act of killing, robbing those left behind from desperately needed insights into why. Words flew across offices, hallways, cell phones, TV screens and the internet in response. Words of shock, sadness, disbelief, anger, helplessness, despair and judgment. Of all the words that were spread, the words of a dead man, gentle host to a children's television show for millions, said something different and needed, and these words also spread quickly. "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."" Fred Rogers, "Mr. Rogers"—a formal title that feels more intimate and comforting than his real name—had once again provided a voice of calm and reassurance in the midst of pain and uncertainty. Is it any wonder that a person with the peaceful spirit of Mr. Rogers would have a mother who would say such a wise and helpful thing? Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping. It is a profound truth that too often is lost among the daily onslaught of stories of violence, illness, cruelty and pain. No matter where the hurting is in the world, there are helpers and the number of the helpers generally outnumbers those who bring the pain. First responders, police officers, firefighters, EMS personnel. The Red Cross, the Red Crescent, doctors (with and without borders) and nurses. Truck drivers with loads of food, fresh water, clothing, blankets, toothbrushes, soap, and teddy bears. And the list could go on: friends, colleagues, volunteers, neighbors, communities of faith, service groups, schools and school children across the country and beyond. The good people of Newtown finally had to say "thanks but no thanks, we have enough" because there were so many people who wanted to help and express solidarity. One way of looking at the world is that it is so full of loss and much of the loss is preventable—it doesn't have to be this way. If we were only more attentive, caring, faithful and wise, much of the suffering in the world would be diminished. This is clearly true, but it is not the only true thing, and it is not even the most remarkable true thing. More remarkable, and sometimes amazing, is that whenever and wherever there is suffering, where there is tragedy and disaster, including that caused by ourselves, there are helpers. Mr. Rogers' mother was and is right. There are always, always helpers. One person among over 330 million in the nation commits a disturbed, horrifying act of mass homicide. Terrible story. True story. But not the end of the story, not even close. Six adults trade their lives for the lives of others. More safely hide and evacuate children from danger, shielding them as much as possible from the horrors of the day. Dozens of others respond and quickly come to the scene to save, protect and minimize the consequences of injuries and trauma. Hundreds, thousands, millions pray, offer support, send comfort both spiritual and material. Policymakers and leaders look deep inside, broaden their scope, consider, reconsider, deliberate, debate on what can be done to help this time and perhaps prevent a next time. It's necessary, and because it's full of pain, fear, compassion, and concern—all of the human stuff—it's also unavoidably messy. Life is messy. That's why we need the helpers. We can continue to find ways to be helpers ourselves. We were made for this and we are needed. And, thankfully, there will always be helpers. Always, so keep looking. Greg Adams Director Center for Good Mourning If you haven't already, please take this brief survey (link below) and let us know what you think of The Mourning News . http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB229KSTQCP2Q Lessons from Lions: Using children's media to teach about grief and mourning is a creative resource for helping children understand ways to cope with a death in their lives. It is available only from the Center from Good Mourning for $3.00 per copy, plus shipping and handling.	In Arkansas, Alliance for Grief and Loss brown-bag education continues in 2013 and the 2013 spring dates are set for Good Mourning Grief Support Groups. Nationally, there are excellent educational webinars and resources from the Association of Death Education and Counseling and the Hospice Foundation of America. Read more While grief support services have greatly increased for children and teens, that has not been the case for college students. The AMF Support Network is a fairly new organization which aims to address the grief support needs of this too often overlooked population. Learn more A new text worthy for use in training grief counselors and an accessible end-of-life guide for individuals and families in the general public. Read more How can we support children after a public tragedy such as the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut? Learn more In Donna Schuurman's book, Never the Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of a Parent, she lists and describes ten needs of grieving children. The fourth need is “inclusion." Read more Thomas Lynch is a poet, essayist and funeral director from a family of funeral directors. His up-close-and-personal experiences with mortality inform his reflections on life and living. Here he reflects on a new year amid middle age (not unfamiliar territory for many of us) but well said. Learn more San Jose Mercury News reporter, Lisa Krieger, spent almost a year examining the state of dying in America. In this article, she shares some well-founded concluding insights into how we can do a better job in being faithful to the dying and their families—to all of us in the end. Read More

Arkansas Children's Hospital - Center for Good Mourning 1 Children's Way, Slot 690 - Little Rock, AR 72202 501.364.7000 - adamsjg@archildrens.org The Center for Good Mourning is supported by the generous support of the Arkansas Children's Hospital Auxiliary.